women issues

Life is just a bowl of cherries

If we must go through life without losing our minds
Then that right there is a good way to look at life
A bowl of cherries
We must constantly paint our own visions
And consistently find ways to encourage our souls
A source of deep resonating truth that keeps us going
And anchor that keeps us from wobbling, gives us stability
Having said that I’m thinking of a bowl of cherries
And the possibilities of having sour, tangy ones among sweets ones
Reminding us of life’s many colors and the grey shades running through
Knowing that however sour an experience, it isn’t always going to be so

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THE BEST WAY TO MOVE ON IS TO MOVE ON

Yesterday I received a sad email from a very dear friend of mine. She has just broken up with her boyfriend of many years and she is hurting deeply.

I felt her pain too well because I knew exactly what she was going through. I think the saddest part of her email was the part where she explained how anxious she’d suddenly become over changing her apartment and moving to a new place.

I knew that feeling too well. And in a strange way that cut me deeper than the breakup itself. It’s hard enough to walk away from a relationship that has been on for a long time. It’s hardest when the relationship has woven itself into the very fabric of your existence. You begin to feel an overpowering urge to want to change things up with the snap of a finger. You want to change your phone number and your house address. You would even change cities if you could.

Anything to wipe out that memory card clean. The one that once held the minutest detail of you and your ex. Anything to forget he was ever part of you and that at one point in time he was the only thing you could think about and talk about and even cry over.

Anything to forget that once upon a time, he was the center of your life.

I could feel her pain and understand her anxiety because I’d been there before. Thankfully it was a couple of years ago so now I can think more objectively and speak from a place of healing and clarity.

So I replied her email. I told her it was okay to hurt, and to cry and to mourn the relationship as long as she wasn’t hurting herself further by feeling remorse or self-loath or any of the like.

I also tried to make her see that it was okay for her to want to move house and all, but that she must realize that the best move she could ever make was in her mind. The best way to move on is to move on. And it is done mentally, consciously and deliberately with the choices we are making daily not by changing our physical address.

It is all in your mind. You can remain single, confident and happy living in the same apartment, doing the same job and using the same phone line after a very disturbing breakup. Yes, it is possible.

It is also important to have a change of view after a breakup; try new experiences, change your routine and free up a little space within your living quarters. You can even move house, move into a new neighborhood, change jobs or even change cities. Smell the roses, have a new perspective to life and begin to enjoy being single again. This also is possible and as a matter of fact advisable sometimes so you can get your groove on a lot quicker.

Still, unless you have truly moved on in your inner consciousness, and holding no bounds, the latter option would only amount to a perfect finish of a facade while the interior is still a mess.

When shit hits the fan, the first thing to do is to clean up the mess, not buying of a new rug, or painting the walls. That can come later; after you have gone through the pain of taking care of the urgent.

If you are not okay, your new house will never be okay neither will the new job or the new city. If you are not completely over yourself and the breakup, the next step will always be bleak. I do know however, that getting through a breakup can be hardest and longest and that most times, the first instinct is to get away.

I want to trust that whatever decision you make would be the best decision for you, and as you go come through, remember that the most important person right now is you and that you too deserve your love more than anyone else or anything else.

So while you seek answers, remember to be kind with yourself, be gentle and be patient. Take it easy on yourself. You are in it together; you, your conscience and your heart. You all need each other. So be gentle, be reasonable and remember to be affirmative at all times.

Say the kindest words to yourself and call yourself the kindest names. We learn everyday and mostly too from mistakes. Don’t be hard on yourself. Take it easy but make sure you move on.

“FOR IRENE”

breakups

UNDERCOVER VICTIM

I’m thinking about a horrifying story I heard recently about an undergraduate who took the life of his father; stabbed him and chopped him up into bits. This is not a crime story on TV, it happened real in Nigeria, in a country I live in, a real life horror. And all I could think of was, “Whatever went wrong?…How did he get there?”


Unearthed earth
Underwater casket
Deadly secrets
Underlying dirt
Caked clay
Hidden weapon
Covered corpses
Glossed surfaces
Layered strata

Concealed issues
Hidden murders
Secret hatred
Smoldering embers
Unresolved riddles
Colored perceptions
Twisted images
Silent rage
Sleeping volcano

Breaking and entering
Bloody vendetta
Stained carpets
Seared consciences
Broken fences
Broken hearts
Shattered confidence
Death


“Death of the human soul, death of friendship, death of trust, death of a loved one, death of peace, death of love, death of truth. Death is inevitable when we do not speak out in the open, when we do not speak up with courage, when we let things slide, go under. Death is inevitable when we don’t allow the light to shine through.

Underwater

LEAVE A DOOR OPEN

Love doesn’t hurt, expectations do – Pushkaraj Shirke


 

Pain can be a real bitch at times. Especially pain inflicted by someone you love and genuinely care about. The more hurt you bear for the sake of love, the more danger you risk. You are at risk of the inevitable explosion that comes after the cup gets full and then it gets very messy. The broth is spilled on everyone and everything. You are at risk of letting your pain get in the way, it first poisons you, then it poisons the other. If you are familiar with snake bites, you know that poison must be stopped immediately from traveling further through the body fluid of the inflicted. Well, unlike snake bites, what unattended pain does to us is more like slow deadly poison. An emotional wound that isn’t treated becomes infectious and deadly.

Perhaps the easiest way to deal with pain is take your eyes off the offender and set it on their vulnerability, our vulnerability as humans. How we all can be weak, afraid and misguided. How we are easily misunderstood by each other because of our colored perceptions and how we often overreact and only begin to see sense once the milk is spilled. We only feel remorse after we have fully satisfied our urge to damage, mutilate and wreck a havoc. In a way we are like vampires, having a voracious appetite for human blood, easily aroused, then we are like the werewolf, remorseful naked and ashamed once our cravings are gratified.

However when we see and accept our vulnerabilities as humans then we can understand better and act in wisdom other than react out of fear. We can be wise and give some distance, go somewhere to heal. You must heal because you now know that an untreated wound can easily be infected and that it is slow poison in action. Therefore, going away from the scene and from your precious friend isn’t exactly out of disdain but an act of protection, protection for yourself first. It may seem selfish, but selfish is good at this time. Distance is required. You must heal, so that your heart can recover and your mind free of poison. You may want to cease interaction at this time with this person who is acquainted too well with bites and stings. It is for the greater good, both for you and for her. By going away, you may be perceived as unforgiving, hateful and resentful. But you do know deep down, that by that distance, you leave a door open.

 


Pain is a sudden hurt that can’t be escaped. But then I have also learned that because of pain, I can feel the beauty, tenderness, and freedom of healing. Pain feels like a fast stab wound to the heart. But then healing feels like the wind against your face when you are spreading your wings and flying through the air! We may not have wings growing out of our backs, but healing is the closest thing that will give us that wind against our faces.”
― C. JoyBell C.

walking-in-the-rain

5 DISCOVERIES YOU WILL MAKE ON YOUR LIFE’S JOURNEY


A hero is born among a hundred, a wise man is found among a thousand, but an accomplished one might not be found even among a hundred thousand men. – Plato


1. There is always an extra mile, an extra push

Never think for once in your life that being mediocre has got its advantages. Maybe it does. In that case you will live a quiet meaningless life with not a single bother. You will spend most of your days a spectator, hardly a commentator because that would require a ginormous dose of gusto. But of course that isn’t in your plan. You may be thinking though, that well I am not Oprah, I cannot stand before a crowd and speak. Who says that’s what being a hero is all about? Who says it’s about trying to be someone else? Heroism is found within us. We become heroes when we realize that we matter in the world and in our own little way begin to make that impression on every soul we meet. We spread our pixie dust everywhere we go, we lift a dark cloud and leave behind some laughter, a soft touch, a big hug. We become wise when we embrace the joy of living with zest and with a niggling compulsion to be the soprano in every day’s symphony. This is a fact of life, that heroes and the wise can be spotted among a thousand. But the one who has gone the extra mile to hone her skills, and harness her innate power, is so hard to find. And isn’t it so, that the nurse in the small clinic downtown is known by her patients as one-in-a-million. And the teacher in the local school with broken windows, will always remain the favorite and most loved by her poor pupils, she is to them more than gold, a one-of-a-kind. And the single mum whose kids at Christmas would always inscribe in the card greatest-mum-ever. What is your purpose, what is your reason for being, what is your high calling? Is it to merely drift through life and bob at every opinion that wings its way through the air? Is it to be uninspired neither by sunshine or by rain? Is it to exude a lackluster vibe and be hidden from the stars above? Can you begin to discover the beauty muddled in disorder and find peace in chaos? Can you begin to make sense of your dilemmas? Can you find within you the courage, to piece together an image worthy of praise, with the fragments from your misfortune? Can you become a one-of-a-kind? Will you go that extra mile and be the one in one hundred thousand? Not the spectator.


You will learn as you get older, that the rules are made to be broken. Be bold enough to live life on your terms and never, ever apologize for it. Mandy Hale


2. Rules are meant to be broken

Be unstoppable. Be brave. Be bold. As you evolve and your muscles toughen, you will begin to appreciate your journey more and love yourself even better. At every milestone you will realize how much you have grown, how much you have learnt and how lonely you have sojourned. You realize that indeed you have taken the road less traveled and even though it hasn’t been easy it’s been worth it. You have chosen the path that is uniquely yours and uniquely you. You have overcome the urge to trim off the very shoots that give you zing. You have embraced your quirkiness and in it you have discovered your greatest potential and now with it you will impact the world with wonder. But first you must travel this road, this rarely beaten path where the rules that exist are the ones you have chosen and designed, suitable for you and tolerable only by your quirkiness. You will learn this fact of life, first to be the unbearable pain and fear of being estranged, then later as an incredible reward; the joys of imperfections and the beauty of idiosyncrasies.


You will find your voice in so many places, it doesn’t mean you are insane, it only means that deep down, you recognize who you are and soon you will become at peace with that image. It means you are growing and are mastering your rhythm


3. You must make the effort to find yourself first, then everything else follows

As you journey through life you will see many wonders and creations that make you dance within. A line of thought, a song, a whisper. When you hear them, your heart leaps. In your search for yourself and what you love, you will meet many people, different origins and with different values yet something inside of them is recognizable to you. Something they say or do is familiar, like a faint memory, something in the way they interpret the world, aligns with something deep inside of you. In the myriad of hues, you find and choose the textures and patterns that are uniquely you and reflect your deepest desires. In the cacophony of tunes, you can single out the notes and tempos that resonate with you. In the midst of the dissonance, you find melody that only you can relate to the world. And within a jungle of views and values, from little pieces collected over time, you find rhythm, in it all there is concordance. As the puzzle assembles together, you begin to find yourself, your image is clearer, your voice is fine-tuned and your identity is certain. You have become a true citizen of the world. You have mastered your rhythm, now you can sing your song with audaciousness and grace. You have taken your place in the world.


You will learn that true love is not a strong, fiery, impetuous passion but on the contrary, an element calm and deep. It looks beyond mere externals, and is attracted by qualities alone. – Ellen G. White


4. Your perspective about love will continue to evolve

A woman will discover love in the most awkward place, in the most unusual person, at the most unexpected time, and in the most defining moments of her life. If her life weren’t a defining moment at the time of falling in love, then finding love at the time, would certainly give it some definiteness. She would experience love in many colors, and many shades. At some point it is a roaring fire, some other time it is a ravaging beast, for some it is like the wind, never knowing where it is going or where it is coming from. For many it is a wild fire, it comes and licks up every ounce of their being. Life is saturated with tragedies and fairytale endings alike, where some have lost their senses, others have made sense of their lives, where some lose their reasoning, others found their paradise. Love is many things to different people, and overtime the wise ones among us have come to the conclusion that our perception of love is probably the last thing on the list. And time and again we will discover as we journey along, that love can be calm, and deep, like still waters running through rocky crevices. That it does after all, have eyes that can see, and it looks beyond the externals to discover emotions, gestures, motives and sensibilities within the person that is about to become lover or foe. True love is a mystery yet. One that will continually awe us for as long as the human race exists.

 


You won’t always get where you intended to go in life, but you will eventually arrive precisely where you need to be. – Marc & Angel


5. You won’t always arrive where you intended, but it would be just fine

If truly this is a journey, then in your hands are a map, and a compass, telling you what turn to take and what bridge to follow. Your destination is new to you, you have never been there before but with the map, you know just how to get there, so you prepare and you begin your journey. You have a picture in your mind’s eye of what this utopia will look like, you have painted one and possible etched it unto a board you carry with you as you journey. You follow the trail as directed by your map, you take each day at a time, you encounter all kinds of hazards and eventualities on the road, you meet a few other travelers, you exchange values and notes. You are making progress, you are persistent, and after what seems like a gazillion miles, you arrive at a certain city, bustling with so much exuberance and the people  there bounced with enthusiasm and optimism. You thought to yourself that perhaps you would camp there a while and then get on your journey, then you realized how you loved this place, somehow everything seemed fine and perfect and in place. You fit in like a cut out rock in the temple walls in Jerusalem. You thought that perhaps, it wouldn’t be so bad after all if you chose to call this place home and then like a Christmas miracle, you are told not to worry your little head over nothing. You discover that this place that you have grown to love is apparently the only existing city along this route. And  that though it can be spotted on the map it certainly isn’t on ground. Far from disappointed, you are overwhelmed with joy, that even though it isn’t like you painted it, you are happy just being there. These sort of adventures will happen many times throughout your life journey. You will have plans like school, canning your masters or your PHD, then somewhere in between, you fall crazily in love, get married and have a set of twins. You set goals to start a business, then a prospective client turns out to be a fantastic boss, you’re hired by the big guns and now you live and work abroad. It wasn’t what you intended but it fits like a glove, you are happy, satisfied, and moving along your course with contentment and joy.

Mysteries

LOST BUT NOT LOST

Don’t be afraid to lose yourself in what you love, you’ll find yourself there right back again – Marc & Angel

This is a typical case of finding a needle in a haystack, how does that happen? By a miracle. Simple. Only a miracle will suddenly bring you to the spot, at a time when you aren’t even looking, and voila, your needle. You pick it up and you laugh to yourself because you know that sort of thing doesn’t just happen and not to everyone. You think for a moment that perhaps, you are special after all.

There are moments in life when, like the needle in a haystack, you are lost and completely clueless. When you first started out, it was fun and dazzling, now it is well… a step away from crazy and insane as in really bad. Not good kinda bad.

You are wondering, wasn’t I supposed to be on this job for two years and then return to my home country? Why isn’t that happening? Why haven’t I made a move to quit? Wasn’t this supposed to be a casual date, why do I suddenly want more than just a casual date? Why do I suddenly harbor thoughts of satin dresses and cakes? This wasn’t part of the plan? Didn’t I say no babies until I had my second degree? How come I don’t feel a tinge of regret since the third baby arrived?

What is wrong with me? Am I losing my zip? Is this what happens when, you feel you are on the right track only to discover  you’ve  made a wrong decision, and then before you know it, everything collapses on you? What is happening to me? Why do I feel lost? I do love my life, but this new path was never part of the plan, how much longer before I lose my joy? Trust me, I can tell that something is awfully wrong, I usually don’t do this, I’m  usually not like this. I used to be the life of the party. The person everyone wants to talk to. The one who always dressed the sexiest. My days were brighter and funner.

What’s happening is that, we shift and we morph and we change, and when we change, everything changes. We stop loving peppers and start obsessing over garlic. We suddenly don’t want to travel the world again, we want to build a family. We wake up with a new urge and we start to draw a new map. We are loving it, but we are scared. We are frightened. We are terrified because we do not know where this new yearn will take us, how far it will throw us and maybe too far from the original plan, too far from the original goal.

It is true that our goals do evolve. It may look like a different goal but it is the same target, same aim. Same dream to be, do and have more in life. The dream to be all that we can. The sheer knowing that we can do all things, causes our subconscious mind to constantly bring our way all kinds of possibilities to ensure that we drink our fill of life.

So, it’s okay to feel lost sometimes, that things aren’t going as planned and what’s even scarier is that you aren’t inclined to stop it. You love the change. You secretly enjoy what it is doing to you, but you feel deep inside that you may have betrayed your dreams, no you haven’t. Don’t be afraid to lose yourself in what you love, you will find yourself there, right back again. Meaning, it’s only a matter of time and then the fog will clear and you find that you are right where you should be at the very place where it all adds up.

Lost but not lost

 

Stop worrying about how it all adds up, keep moving ahead

Everything in life is in perfect order whether you understand it yet or not.  It just takes some time to connect all the dots – Marc & Angel

The only single thing required of you to do for the rest of your life is to remain in pursuit of what makes you happy. Keep your eye on that ball. Never let it go. Hold that image. Everything else will fall in place. All kinds of hazards and problems begin to happen when you begin to take things too seriously and try to understand everything that happens to you and why they are happening. Instead of burning so much energy trying to understand what life is about, what you did wrong to get punished this way, or where you missed a step to have fallen this far and hard to the ground, rather take the time to look around and see how you can get yourself back on track.

You’ve heard the saying, you cannot cheat nature. That statement is so, so, true. Its like cheating to loose weight. You follow the rules according to the books, you diet and exercise and all, and in a few months, you are back and bigger than you once were. What happened? The answer  is simple, you cannot cheat nature. You cannot deal with the outside without dealing first with the inside. You cannot want your body to look good when you haven’t first decided to love your body enough to keep away from junk, late eating, and over eating. The weight loss has got to begin inside first, with you disciplining yourself and controlling your eating. The exercise and diet routine are only extra support to help you reach your goal faster.

It is the same thing with life, we want to get to the top but we don’t want to follow the stair way, we like the elevator, one way ticket, the freeway, no turns, no sharp bends, no snaky roads, no speed bumps. Only speed. Growth like that is premature, what you end up having are weak muscles born out of an inexperienced mind. And since the higher you go, the greater the challenges you face, your inexperience will cause you a premature collapse from your high horses. When you think you can get by with unresolved issues in your car trunk, one day the corpses will bellow so hard, you will be forced to stop and deal with it.

Just as you can’t cheat nature, you cannot cheat the laws of the universe. Whatever goes up must come down. What goes around, comes around. What you put in, is what you get out. What you sow is what you reap. You don’t want to get to your summit with too much baggage. Chances are you may never arrive in the first place, bearing that much load, you tend to crumble beneath the weight. You want to be light as a feather and solid as a rock. You want to be light enough to surmount your obstacles and solid enough to withstand the deadliest storms.

Sometimes life will draw you back a step or two, or a mile or two in the opposite direction, and you will want to fight it, don’t. Let it play out. It is only in hindsight that you will be able to connect the dots. Sometimes in life, the winds will throw you so far from what looked like your horizon, don’t go and smack your head against the wall, look around, there is a very good reason why you are here at this particular point in time. Sometimes in life the waves will rise so high and thunderously above you, and in spite of your reciting the master’s ‘peace be still’ and mustering all the faith that you got, you still would witness with your very eyes, how the waves eventually crash your titanic and send you struggling  for dear life out in the Atlantic, in the middle of nowhere.

Don’t curse God then, and wait for death. Keep believing. If you couldn’t calm the storm, perhaps you cloud try walking on water. And if that doesn’t work out either, be rest assured something will. There is a reason for every season and most of the time, all through history, heroes have only been able to make sense of their dilemmas and tragedies only after they persevered and overcame. Only after they let go and moved on. Only after they went on ahead, where they able to see from hindsight that it all worked out for good in the end. Stop worrying about how it all adds up, keep going on ahead. It all works out in the end.

 

Woman

 

 

Forgiveness, as told by a movie

The ills we forgive only make us stronger. I’ve just finished watching a movie titled Need for Speed  about fast cars, money, personal vendetta, with love in the mix of course. Anyways I will learn yet again that when we forgive we grow stronger, our hurt suddenly ceases and we immediately grow wings that lift us high and above the darkness that held us down and takes us far away from being trapped by it again. Forgiveness is powerful, as Tobey Marshall, raced for the finish line, with clearly no one to contend with, and seeing Dino trapped, in a car turned over and on fire, he is immediately reminded of the death of his dearest friend Pete, and in that moment Tobey makes a call that is hardest and fearless at the same time. He turns the wheels around and goes to rescue the enemy, the murderer of his friend, and the betrayer and lover of his ex, who happens to be the sister of the late pete.

Need for Speed

Brewing Vendetta – Dino (Dominic Cooper) far right, makes a deal with Tobey, opposite left with his friends behind him.

What a twisted reality. Many would stay entangle in a tale like that, harboring pain, loss, regret, betrayal, and bitterness, and never letting go, refusing to disentangle themselves, wallowing in self pity and a reiteration of what was lost, broken, and maimed. When Tobey turned the wheels around, he made the right call, he rescued Dino from the crash, and even though he struck him hard on the face afterwards, he had done the right thing, he told a better story and had the last laugh, with forgiveness in his heart and loads of cash in his pocket. Through forgiveness, Tobey became the better man, Dino goes down and Tobey remains hero. In the end he wins the De Leon, (a mystery car race) only to discover that dreams do come true after all, even after the death of the foreteller (Pete had predicted the Tobey would win the De Leon). There couldn’t have been a better ending if you ask me. He got a bunch of new fast cars, the victory, a few months in jail for violating parol and then he got the girl. A forgiven past and a new start. The future couldn’t get better than this for this race-car-loving addict. The ills we forgive only make us stronger, better, and richer.

 

[Need for Speed Starring, Aaron Paul as Tobey, Imogen Poots as Julia, Harrison Gilbertson as Pete, & Dominic Cooper as Dino]

Need for Speed - Movie

L-R Pete (Harrison Gilbertson) and Tobey (Aaron Paul)

The joys of imperfection

God, grant me the serenity to Accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I Can and the Wisdom to know the difference.

With pain comes scars, and our scars bear lessons and reminders of what can hurt us or break us. With much tears come clarity, and vulnerability that frees us from the hurt that plagues us. You beat yourself for the dents in your personality. You smack your head over with contempt for the rough edges in your makeup and the inconsistencies in your progress through life.

You are shy to look up and confront your battles because you feel your opponent will see your weaknesses and sneer at you with contempt. You cover your scars with layers of clothing, you are shamed by the memory of the battles you have survived. You focus on the reality that you’ve taken a few blows and forget the actual fact that you are a brave survivor.

You throw a veil over your face, you are either embarrassed by a blemish on your skin or ashamed of the innocence in our eyes. You become a victim of your own existence, imprisoned by your limiting beliefs and self-imposed denouncements. You cannot see the good in you, because you hold  your weaknesses too close to your eyes.

You are too busy feeling sorry for yourself, too busy trying to repair your flaws and fix the dents in your image. Little do you realize, that all the crookedness and unevenness sum up the amazing person that you are. That is what makes you so attractive. Your beauty is a collage of all your imperfections and right there at its center lies your true essence.

Your imperfections form a magnetic field drawing toward you the very opposites that complete you. It is the joy of imperfections, where you embrace all your flaws knowing that accepting they exist is a step towards a deeper awareness, that reveals to you different levels of strength and all the possibilities that can be yours.

Embracing your weaknesses and blemishes is a step towards completeness. Completeness is not the absence of flaws neither is perfection the elimination of it. Your imperfections can lead you to wholeness if you will choose to embrace them, change your perspective and begin to see them differently.

The Law of Opposites says that within every disadvantage is an equal and opposite advantage. What that means is this, your weaknesses are a sign that you can be twice as much stronger, twice as much a victor, twice as much a success. If you are so afraid and terrified, then you can be so brave and dauntless, you only need to find the courage to flip the coin.

At the very spot where you believe you can’t, that is where you are strongest. You possess just as much bravery to overcome at the very same spot where you have been beaten down to a pulp. You can rise a champ, like a phoenix, if only you can find the strength to flip the coin.

These are the joys of imperfections, to embrace your imperfections is to embrace yourself, be in love with yourself, and be at peace with yourself. You are grateful for your scars because they are medals of having conquered in the battles of your past. They remind you of your bravery, that once upon a time, you stood your ground and fought, and even though you took a beating, you survived.

Begin to see your flaws as the door way to your inner mojo, like super heroes, you can save the world using the very thing that once maimed you. It is time to wake up and answer your call, lift up those eyes and see the chaos that only you can fix.

Rise up to your responsibilities today, don’t wait for perfection, there is no such thing as being perfect. Only imperfections, woven beautifully into a magnificent piece of tapestry for all the world to behold with wonder.

Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart, don’t know how to laugh either. – Golda Meir

Sad face

Sometimes you have to say yes to what you really feel to be free indeed

 

I know we try to do our best all the time. I know we all truly wish to be good and try to do right by all means. I know we try to change our thought patterns and try to adopt new value systems. I know in general, we want to forgive, we want to let go, we want to move on.

We try every tool in the box and follow the 7 steps written in the book but if we are sincere with ourselves, if we keep still for just one minute, one-second, we will sense the rumbling deep down inside of our stomach. Down underneath the sea of conflicting emotions, lying still and undisturbed at the bottom of our hearts, is the hate we truly feel, the raging anger, toxic unforgiveness and bitterness eating away at our core.

While we go about our quiet lives, we sense its presence, and every now and then amidst our devoted worship and sincerities and professed goodness, we sense a faint vibration, a small movement of the beast sleeping within our subconscious. Even though we have successfully concealed the hate with layers and layers of positive affirmations and pronouncements, in group gatherings and in private therapy, we sense the phantom, the sleeping beast, a looming disaster, the deadly clutter that holds us back from being the best and greatest that we could be.

Here then, is my theory. Why tell ourselves a lie when we can tell ourselves the truth. Sometimes it is only when we have told ourselves the truth about what we truly feel that we can then recreate a new and transforming truth that frees us from the bounds of hate. Sometimes these negative feelings need recognition, airing and verbalizing as much as we can.

Sometimes to gain closure, we must take a bold step to being completely open with ourselves. We must vent in the true sense of the word. It is not okay to say simply “When I was with you, you hurt me real bad, and its hard for me to forget…” rather say, “When I was with you, you pawned me like a game, and of all the people I have been with, you hurt me the deepest and the longest. You made me hate myself for being so vulnerable, I hate you for what you made me become and I hope you feel the hate for as long as you live…”

Whoooo, you may be thinking, that is harsh, that is hatred, that is bitterness. Yes, it is, but isn’t that what you truly feel for that person whose memory always grates your senses whenever you hear their name mentioned? If you will be truly free, you must let those feeling out of the bag, and only then can you release them. You can send it in an email, or simply write it down on paper…whatever works for you.

The idea is, you must let out the venom or otherwise be poisoned forever by it. When you do, you free your subconscious of it’s deadly sting and you free your mind to embrace your future without any limits or hold. Remember to do this intentionally too, by that I mean, if you are going to let out the venom, do it with the sole purpose of wanting to be free of the hate. Do it because you want sanity for yourself and peace deep within your soul. Do it because it is what you need to be truly free of your past and the people that have hurt you so badly. Do it for yourself, to be happy and be free not inflict hurt on the other person or cause more damage.

That is why I do not recommend the email, because every word you write to describe your hurt will be carrying the negative vibrations of the hurt, anger, bitterness and unforgiveness you’ve soaked in all these years and months. And what you will invariably do to that person is poison whatever peace they may have at the time and cause them to revisit the past again with guilt and regret and sometimes the person becomes damaged goods and they may never recover. You don’t want that. You don’t want to be responsible for any more hate and unforgiveness.

What you want is peace, love, and hope in abundance. In other to achieve that you will need a little bit of faith and a large chunk of belief and courage to trust that simply writing it down (which is what I recommend) will set you free just as much but without causing any more damage. And because every word you write down is negatively charged with all the bad energy from that experience, that piece of paper becomes the victim of that venting and the out pour of your venom. It is that piece of paper that bears the cross and the crucifixion.

After writing down your hate, what you do next is write down your freedom on a separate sheet of paper. Write how you want to feel and how you believe you should be feeling about the experience. Write you healing, your forgiveness, and your hopes. Write them all down and bless your past for the lessons learnt. Write something like “I forgive myself for being a victim in this relationship, for allowing myself to be pawned and belittled. I forgive you for being the mean person that you were and I hope you can forgive yourself for how it all ended. I release you today.” Whatever represents your story, just make sure you are kind and express the freedom you yearn.

What you do next is as bizarre as this whole therapy gets, you burn the first sheet of paper and from your hearts of hearts let it all go. Let go of the hate, the anger, the bitterness and the pride. What you have left is the new truth you have written on the other sheet of paper, it is your testimonial of having fought a good fight and run with perseverance the race that was a failed relationship, a betrayal or broken trust or whatever it is you are battling.

If you still feel the urge to send an email or a text, then you can send your new truth, in doing os you do not hurt the receiver nor send them back into limbo or anything of that sort. Instead you leave them in a good place. A place where they are free to deal with their issues objectively and however that turns out is really none of your business because some people are die hards and never forgive just as much as they never forget.

However, what you would have achieved is really big. You would have aired your negative feelings and emotions, freed your self from a self-imposed prison, and self-afflicted venom that could have destroyed you. You would have earned your freedom and above all else gained closure. You will be free. Free to embrace your future and all your hopes and dreams with nothing holding you back. You would have done the right thing. You have said yes to your feelings. You have let go. You are free indeed.

None of this may make sense at first but the results are huge, if done intentionally, your heart literally feels light and you happier, and thoughts of the past and persons in question will no longer hurt, grate or embitter.

Finally, it is always good to go through the process with an experienced coach who can guide you each step of the way so you don’t find yourself back at the same spot where you began. A coach is someone you trust, someone that walks besides you and guides you without judging you. Allow yourself the freedom to drink in life in all its fullness. Release your hate and release yourself. Life awaits the free and authentic you.

Free