Women in battery

12 Quotes that tell you, you are not the first to travel this path

– Be Strong, Be brave, Always believe you can be better –


Women need real moments of solitude and self-reflection,

to balance out how much of ourselves we give away – Barbara de Angelis

Always take time out to reflect on your life so you can refuel, receive from yourself and be positively charged to forge ahead. Most women are consumed by responsibilities and expectations, they forget to give to themselves, receive from themselves and love themselves back.

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. Gloria Steinem

This is usually the case when a woman finds that the man she is with is not the man she wanted to marry. It takes great faith and wisdom to take a step back and let the man become who you wanted him to be by letting him take up his responsibilities as the man whether or not he is empowered to. Men are wired to grow into manhood through tough and trying situations that prove impossible.

People think at the end of the day that a man is the only answer [to fulfillment].

Actually a job is better for me. Princess Diana

These are the thoughts of the career driven woman, the woman seeking adventure in the board room, the woman seeking first to build an empire where is queen. The woman who is mostly satisfied by what she does with her hands than by what a man’s hands can do to her senses. If this is you, these desires do not make you less a woman, you have only, to put it mildly, delayed gratification. Many would not agree with your choices, but thats okay, people will always have a different opinion. Only be true to your authentic self and always trust your intuition. They are your trusted guidance.

“If you meet a woman of whatever complexion who sails her life with strength and grace and assurance, talk to her! And what you will find is that there has been a suffering, that at some time she has left herself for hanging dead.”

― Sena Jeter Naslund

Just like men, women too are wired to learn wisdom and patience through hardship, heartbreak and disappointments. There’s hardly a woman without a past, and as much as we do not allow the past take preeminence in our lives, we live to learn from it. Our scars are our medals of conquest, of having fought a good fight.

“I am two women: one wants to have all the joy, passion and adventure that life can give me. The other wants to be a slave to routine, to family life, to the things that can be planned and achieved. I’m a housewife and a prostitute, both of us living in the same body and doing battle with each other.” ― Paulo Coelho

Our greatest strengths lie in accepting our weaknesses, conquering our fears and pursuing our dreams. Our struggles are proof that we are human and the strength to take one victorious step after another after every moment of weakness is proof that we indeed have within our selves the power to live as champions at every one point in time of our lives. If you battle, then be rest assured that within you lies the power to overcome. If you don’t overcome however, it is not because you couldn’t, rather you didn’t because you’d rather not. Nothing is beyond us. We are powerful beyond measure.

“She wore her sexuality with an older woman’s ease, and not like an awkward purse,never knowing how to hold it, where to hang it, or when to just put it down.”― Zadie Smith

I find this quote quite interesting because I see it every time in fashion magazines, in fashion police and the ‘dos and don’ts’ corner of lifestyle magazines. You see two women flaunting the same dress, one looks gorgeous, like a greek goddess, and the other looks like, well, to put it mildly, the dress was forced on her and she was pushed onto the red carpet right in front of the camera. Awkward to say the least, never knowing how to work the dress, or where to hang the purse. It all boils down to self-esteem. It is not our physical beauty that attracts others to us, is our inner beauty and the way we carry ourselves that is the magnet that pulls others to us. And we all have had our share of that silly, awkward moment.

“Nobody around here had ever seen a lady beekeeper till her. She liked to tell everybody that women made the best beekeepers, ’cause they have a special ability built into them to love creatures that sting. It comes from years of loving children and husbands.” ― Sue Monk Kidd

I’ll like to think that this quote also explains, in a way, why it seems  women struggle to disengage from  abuse relationships. It is probably because we believe we have been wired to love the pain, the weapon and the abuser above all else. We simply believe it is the way things should be. The man should cheat and it’s okay, because we cant do anything about it, because it is what men do — they cheat. We feel we must swallow the bitter pill, because it is what women do, we submit and in submission we submit to the lashing by the tongue and the whip. Yes, we are strong, but our strength is meant to build up and not tear down and worse of all, our strength is not meant for tearing down our morale and our self-esteem and self-worth. We must be brave and never be afraid to walk away from any relationship that reduces us from woman to beast.

“Never rearrange your life in order to meet Mr. Darcy half way. If he couldn’t see your worth at the moment you met then he won’t two years later. May the halls of Pemberly be filled with his regrets and your life filled with thankfulness because of this revelation” ― Shannon L. Alder

Many times, a girl will find herself in a situation where she is trying desperately to get the attention of a young man she is attracted to or in love with so to speak. And time and again I’ve witnessed in many occasions the extended persistence of feminine determination, and the disparaging, demeaning responses of the men in question. And for some absurd reason beyond comprehension, she just refuses to accept the bitter truth, that this dude does not see her at all and will not in two years if she kept up with all her gimmicks and parades. Another unsolved mystery when it comes to love and affection. It takes a wise understanding heart to walk away from the one who tolerates you so you can be found by the one who appreciates you.

“What is it about having a period that makes women so bitchy?”… It was an effort, but I said as sweetly as possible, “It isn’t that we’re bitchier, it’s that having a period makes us feel all tired and achy, so we have less tolerance for all the b***s*** we normally SUFFER IN SILENCE.” By the time the sentence ended the sweetness was long gone, my jaw was clenched, and I think my eyes were bugging out. Wyatt took a step back, belatedly looking alarmed.” ― Linda Howard

I believe this quote is quite self explanatory. On a good day, the woman may not mind being the punching bag but when she is having her period, she may not be just as patient. I also will like to believe that a man who truly cares  and knows his woman will know where to draw the line and be less of a nuisance whenever it is that time of the month.

“No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether she will or will not be a mother.” ― Margaret Sanger

Life is about making choices and letting those choices mold us afterwards. So choose wisely, be the hero not the victim. Trouble is, most times we are on default mode, autopilot, we just do because it is the tradition, it is the way things are, it is what people do at certain junctions of life. They get a job, they get married, they have kids, then they…well that is what life is all about family and everyone should make one. Fair explanation if you ask me, but how many women are having babies beyond their wishes at a time when they would have worked and built their careers or education for just a little stretch longer before welcoming the lovely bundles of joy? They suffer silently because somehow, babies shouldn’t be contested or planned, at least not when you are married, they should just happen because it is the way the world goes. People marry and then they have babies. To consciously choose whether you will or will not be a mother, permanently or temporarily is as big as choices go and it isn’t something you suddenly make up your mind about after you have sworn for better or worse. It takes two to tango. If you are going to  live your life a certain way, don’t put the cart before the horse, don’t wait till you are married before you pull out your workbook for happiness. Happiness is something you work at everyday. So be wise, work at being happy now not after you walk down the aisle.

“When a woman says, ‘I have nothing to wear!’, what she really means is, ‘There’s nothing here for who I’m supposed to be today.” ― Caitlin Moran, How to Be a Woman

As sweet as this statement may sound, it shows that slight lingering inside of us that keeps us looking outside of ourselves to find happiness and contentment. Everything we need, to be who we desire to be, is within us and until we are firmly aligned with our beliefs, our thoughts and our actions, we will always seek for something outside of ourselves to give us the completeness we desire. I have nothing to wear, is a popular complaint of the woman who is not happy with the way her life has turned out and is seeking to make up for it with what mundane things rather than finding inner peace and contentment.

“One life is all we have and we live it as we believe in living it. But to sacrifice what you are and to live without belief, that is a fate more terrible than dying.” ― Jeanne d’Arc

Seek to live your life to the fullest, stop settling for less than you are worth, stop devaluing your potentials and your capabilities. Cease life at every moment and give every challenge your best shot. Be fearless and always throw your best punch, stretch your muscles and grow an inch taller with every feat you overcome. Believe in yourself, believe in what you can become and stay in pursuit of that dream. This life is for those who will live enthusiastically and excitedly, with hope and with determination. Decide today that you are one of such people.


 

Full life

 

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Fighting my battles

I find myself in a dark place. I’m taking slow baby steps with my two kids by my side and a crumbling marriage on my mind. I can’t see what is ahead and I cannot wait to make a fire. I do not know how to make one even if I tried. These are strange territories, there is thick darkness all around me, my heart is sinking beneath the weight of the past 6 years, and my mind is screaming all kinds of menace at me. I can barely think!

My body shudders for terror and my hands clench with fear, my kids moan with fright. They grab my hands, each on one side. I can feel their bodies tremble as well, even in this darkness I could feel how the tremor of the horror I felt, crept through my veins into their tiny hands. I drag my two kids closer to myself, I try to take quicker baby steps, but I must go slowly still. I’m feeling the grounds around me for pitfalls; I do not want to end up in some booby trap, not with my babies.

I know I have to make a fire, I need to, so I can see my way in this dark place but the screaming in my head will not stop. It would not let me think. I can hear all the voices of accusation from the last six years, they are growing louder and angrier. How did I get here? How did I find myself at this unfortunate bend? How is it possible, that I am here now, with two toddlers and a fractured marriage, walking blindly through a dark, dark, dark place?

Have I made the right decision to leave? Is this the right thing to do at this stage of my life? To be without a husband and a home? Should my kids be a part of this now at this point of their development? Should I have stayed for their sakes? Should I have bore it all; the verbal abuse, the mental degradation of my self-pride, my self-esteem and my beliefs? Should I have stayed to receive the constant battering of my mind, bore the loss of my self-dependence and self-containment? Should I have let him suck out the life from me so long as he didn’t lift a hand to physically overpower me? Should I have bore it all in silence?

Where does one draw the line between verbal abuse and physical battering? How does one determine the PH value for abuse? When does it cross from alkalinity to acidity? How long before verbal abuse morphs into physical battering? What are the parameters for determining how and when physical battering can lead to maiming or death? When do you take precaution? What is precaution? Is it the loss of faith and belief in the vows that you’ve hung unto for as long as you can remember? How does one condone abuse? Do you shot your ears from without or from within? Without I can hear him call me all these names; he has given me an identity that is tantamount to useless and worthless. Within I can hear the indictment, of self-abasement and self-accusation. So tell me, how do I shut out the accuser? Who is the accuser? Is it my self-absorbing husband or my guilt stricken self?

Daily I am becoming this monster, this monster that he has brandished me, this monster that I have remorsefully nurtured, like a werewolf, I have become this being, and I cannot recognize who I am becoming. My head is swelling with regret and anger and with confusion. My heart pounding with fear and with terror, and frustration, for I became a prisoner in my own home. I thought a woman’s home was meant to be her castle, her palace, her fortress. I thought it was meant to be her citadel, her stronghold, not her jailhouse.

Woman in the mirror
When I look in the mirror, I do so, not to examine the shadow I have become, but to find the girl I once was; that rich, zesty, and centered girl. She held her own and had this strong presence about her. Her voice rang out with gusto and with pride. Her strides, long and assertive with strong athletic feet that bounced with exuberance. Her vision sharp like that of an archer, her bow in one hand, arrows in the other, she had a dream, she had a plan. This marriage was meant to be part of that plan. I stare into this marred image, searching, hoping, weeping. Where has that girl gone? Is she asleep? Did she fall off a cliff and break a limb? Is she badly injured or is she on a journey? Will she be back? Will I still be here when she returns? If she returns, will she find a home or a wasteland? Will she recognize this body to be encapsulated by it? Will she recognize this battered mind to embody it?

After much pondering, I chose liberty above detention. When it came to it, I had to choose my humanity above being a werewolf. I chose my sanity above mental torture and deficiency. I chose this temporal darkness and I reject the artificial lighting of my glorified prison. Permit me to say that I chose life above death; death of who I am — really and truly — my worth, my beliefs, my dreams, my values. I chose my invaluable self. Hence my new creed and statement of belief; I choose my true authentic self even though now, I am only a shadow of that girl.  I choose my strong, beautiful, and ambitious self, even though now, all that is left are shards and pieces of what she used to be. I chose my strength, my resolve, my dreams and my pursuit of happiness, even though there is barely a trace of such left.

My heart is wrenching in two places as I walk away from the one whom my soul loves. I can barely contain this feeling, for it is gruesome as well as liberating. I feel pain and I feel joy. How is this even possible? Why does following my dreams have to be so grisly? How can love suddenly transmute to abhorrence? My heart is wrenching, and I feel bloody lumps of flesh fall off and splatter around me as I walk away with a broken heart. Which brings me to the question; am I walking away from love? Am I walking away from what could have been? Or am I walking away from abuse; am I walking away to find safety? Am I walking away for dear life?

One minute I was contemplating jumping off the balcony of my home, the next minute I am scrambling with my kids in one hand and in the other, a dozen fragments of what was meant to be my luggage. I am desperate for life. So I chose to leave through the front gate and not the balcony. I chose a flight to safety by plane, not a leap off the terrace with despondency. After much running, I find myself here, in this dark but safe place. It maybe dark now, but soon, would light up with brightness, and with sunshine from within, like the rising of a phoenix. I know I will find myself again. It may take a while, but look out for me like you would the rising dawn. It is not too long from now.

I do not know where the road ahead is going to bend, but first, I must fight my battles and overcome my demons. I must overpower each of these growling voices within; monsters fighting for my soul, I am certain they will not win. I will yet rise. First I must heal, I must believe again, I must hope again. I must awaken the girl within, I must find my strength. I must choose my life again. I must love my self yet again. I must nurture my dreams again. I must get back on the race. I must run to win. I was born to win.

I don’t know how to fill this hole in my heart but with each step I take towards the light, I remind myself that this walk is not going to last forever. Nothing is cast in stone. Everything is but clay in my hands. I smile. I’m hopeful. I can now see the light ahead. It is like a tiny dot on a thick black blanket. Like a sparkle at the end of a tunnel. If I can hold that image long enough, I know it would emerge anytime now and the light will flood my being again…

…but first, I must fight my battles…

Tell me when, the time we had slipped away,
Tomorrow turned to yesterday,
And I don’t know how…
Tell me what can stop this river of tears,
It’s been building up for years,
For this moment now…

Tell me how the road ahead is going to bend,
And how to harness up the wind,
And how to say goodbye?
Tell me how to fill this space you left behind,
And how to laugh instead of cry,
And how to say good bye?
– Michael W. Smith

“For Vanessa and all the women who suffer abuse in silence. XOXO”

Keeping strong