Bitterness

What truly matters in the end?

Everything…
Everything matters
Each word spoken and everything done matters
Everything left unsaid and everything left undone
Every transient thought
Every single day
All possible encounters fostered
Every single smile
The compliments paid
Every embrace felt
Every gratitude shared
Every gift given, even the tiniest handshake
Every promise made,
Every flimsy excuse
Every dream dreamed
Even the days that dragged on
And the nights that never seemed to end
The things you meant to do but never came around doing
And the one you did but never meant to
The things we should have done
The things we should have said
And the things we plan to do
The kindness we should have shown
The visit we should have made
Unwarranted procrastinations, and unredeemable opportunities, lost forever
The friend we could have been but failed to become
Family we could have had but were too proud to accept
Places we could have gone but too afraid to dream
The life we could have had but too short-sighted to believe
All of it matters in the end
Because everything is everything
The way we do one thing, is the way we do everything

Little drops

It is the little things we don’t do
That cause the heartaches we don’t want
It is the little time wasted
That cause the disappointments we can’t accept
It is the little things we hold back
That cause the heartbreaks we don’t admit
It is the little things we ignore
That cause the gulf we can’t cross
It is the little things we don’t care about
That cause the loss we can’t bear
It is the little things we can’t overlook
That cause the irritations we can’t avoid
It is the little things we can’t confront
That cause the distance we didn’t intend
It is the little things we can’t let go
That cause the heaviness we can’t unburden
It is the little things we don’t tell ourselves
That cause the  regrets we can’t live with

A ghost from the past

That familiar delighted cackle
That broad cheerful grin
That piercing warm gaze
That tender loving touch
That sweet fleeting promise
That callous mean rebuke
That stifled sizzling silence
That rattling unnerving scowl
That creepy dark presence
That giant intimidating ego
That inevitably sour story

UNDERCOVER VICTIM

I’m thinking about a horrifying story I heard recently about an undergraduate who took the life of his father; stabbed him and chopped him up into bits. This is not a crime story on TV, it happened real in Nigeria, in a country I live in, a real life horror. And all I could think of was, “Whatever went wrong?…How did he get there?”


Unearthed earth
Underwater casket
Deadly secrets
Underlying dirt
Caked clay
Hidden weapon
Covered corpses
Glossed surfaces
Layered strata

Concealed issues
Hidden murders
Secret hatred
Smoldering embers
Unresolved riddles
Colored perceptions
Twisted images
Silent rage
Sleeping volcano

Breaking and entering
Bloody vendetta
Stained carpets
Seared consciences
Broken fences
Broken hearts
Shattered confidence
Death


“Death of the human soul, death of friendship, death of trust, death of a loved one, death of peace, death of love, death of truth. Death is inevitable when we do not speak out in the open, when we do not speak up with courage, when we let things slide, go under. Death is inevitable when we don’t allow the light to shine through.

Underwater

Forgiveness, as told by a movie

The ills we forgive only make us stronger. I’ve just finished watching a movie titled Need for Speed  about fast cars, money, personal vendetta, with love in the mix of course. Anyways I will learn yet again that when we forgive we grow stronger, our hurt suddenly ceases and we immediately grow wings that lift us high and above the darkness that held us down and takes us far away from being trapped by it again. Forgiveness is powerful, as Tobey Marshall, raced for the finish line, with clearly no one to contend with, and seeing Dino trapped, in a car turned over and on fire, he is immediately reminded of the death of his dearest friend Pete, and in that moment Tobey makes a call that is hardest and fearless at the same time. He turns the wheels around and goes to rescue the enemy, the murderer of his friend, and the betrayer and lover of his ex, who happens to be the sister of the late pete.

Need for Speed

Brewing Vendetta – Dino (Dominic Cooper) far right, makes a deal with Tobey, opposite left with his friends behind him.

What a twisted reality. Many would stay entangle in a tale like that, harboring pain, loss, regret, betrayal, and bitterness, and never letting go, refusing to disentangle themselves, wallowing in self pity and a reiteration of what was lost, broken, and maimed. When Tobey turned the wheels around, he made the right call, he rescued Dino from the crash, and even though he struck him hard on the face afterwards, he had done the right thing, he told a better story and had the last laugh, with forgiveness in his heart and loads of cash in his pocket. Through forgiveness, Tobey became the better man, Dino goes down and Tobey remains hero. In the end he wins the De Leon, (a mystery car race) only to discover that dreams do come true after all, even after the death of the foreteller (Pete had predicted the Tobey would win the De Leon). There couldn’t have been a better ending if you ask me. He got a bunch of new fast cars, the victory, a few months in jail for violating parol and then he got the girl. A forgiven past and a new start. The future couldn’t get better than this for this race-car-loving addict. The ills we forgive only make us stronger, better, and richer.

 

[Need for Speed Starring, Aaron Paul as Tobey, Imogen Poots as Julia, Harrison Gilbertson as Pete, & Dominic Cooper as Dino]

Need for Speed - Movie

L-R Pete (Harrison Gilbertson) and Tobey (Aaron Paul)

Sometimes you have to say yes to what you really feel to be free indeed

 

I know we try to do our best all the time. I know we all truly wish to be good and try to do right by all means. I know we try to change our thought patterns and try to adopt new value systems. I know in general, we want to forgive, we want to let go, we want to move on.

We try every tool in the box and follow the 7 steps written in the book but if we are sincere with ourselves, if we keep still for just one minute, one-second, we will sense the rumbling deep down inside of our stomach. Down underneath the sea of conflicting emotions, lying still and undisturbed at the bottom of our hearts, is the hate we truly feel, the raging anger, toxic unforgiveness and bitterness eating away at our core.

While we go about our quiet lives, we sense its presence, and every now and then amidst our devoted worship and sincerities and professed goodness, we sense a faint vibration, a small movement of the beast sleeping within our subconscious. Even though we have successfully concealed the hate with layers and layers of positive affirmations and pronouncements, in group gatherings and in private therapy, we sense the phantom, the sleeping beast, a looming disaster, the deadly clutter that holds us back from being the best and greatest that we could be.

Here then, is my theory. Why tell ourselves a lie when we can tell ourselves the truth. Sometimes it is only when we have told ourselves the truth about what we truly feel that we can then recreate a new and transforming truth that frees us from the bounds of hate. Sometimes these negative feelings need recognition, airing and verbalizing as much as we can.

Sometimes to gain closure, we must take a bold step to being completely open with ourselves. We must vent in the true sense of the word. It is not okay to say simply “When I was with you, you hurt me real bad, and its hard for me to forget…” rather say, “When I was with you, you pawned me like a game, and of all the people I have been with, you hurt me the deepest and the longest. You made me hate myself for being so vulnerable, I hate you for what you made me become and I hope you feel the hate for as long as you live…”

Whoooo, you may be thinking, that is harsh, that is hatred, that is bitterness. Yes, it is, but isn’t that what you truly feel for that person whose memory always grates your senses whenever you hear their name mentioned? If you will be truly free, you must let those feeling out of the bag, and only then can you release them. You can send it in an email, or simply write it down on paper…whatever works for you.

The idea is, you must let out the venom or otherwise be poisoned forever by it. When you do, you free your subconscious of it’s deadly sting and you free your mind to embrace your future without any limits or hold. Remember to do this intentionally too, by that I mean, if you are going to let out the venom, do it with the sole purpose of wanting to be free of the hate. Do it because you want sanity for yourself and peace deep within your soul. Do it because it is what you need to be truly free of your past and the people that have hurt you so badly. Do it for yourself, to be happy and be free not inflict hurt on the other person or cause more damage.

That is why I do not recommend the email, because every word you write to describe your hurt will be carrying the negative vibrations of the hurt, anger, bitterness and unforgiveness you’ve soaked in all these years and months. And what you will invariably do to that person is poison whatever peace they may have at the time and cause them to revisit the past again with guilt and regret and sometimes the person becomes damaged goods and they may never recover. You don’t want that. You don’t want to be responsible for any more hate and unforgiveness.

What you want is peace, love, and hope in abundance. In other to achieve that you will need a little bit of faith and a large chunk of belief and courage to trust that simply writing it down (which is what I recommend) will set you free just as much but without causing any more damage. And because every word you write down is negatively charged with all the bad energy from that experience, that piece of paper becomes the victim of that venting and the out pour of your venom. It is that piece of paper that bears the cross and the crucifixion.

After writing down your hate, what you do next is write down your freedom on a separate sheet of paper. Write how you want to feel and how you believe you should be feeling about the experience. Write you healing, your forgiveness, and your hopes. Write them all down and bless your past for the lessons learnt. Write something like “I forgive myself for being a victim in this relationship, for allowing myself to be pawned and belittled. I forgive you for being the mean person that you were and I hope you can forgive yourself for how it all ended. I release you today.” Whatever represents your story, just make sure you are kind and express the freedom you yearn.

What you do next is as bizarre as this whole therapy gets, you burn the first sheet of paper and from your hearts of hearts let it all go. Let go of the hate, the anger, the bitterness and the pride. What you have left is the new truth you have written on the other sheet of paper, it is your testimonial of having fought a good fight and run with perseverance the race that was a failed relationship, a betrayal or broken trust or whatever it is you are battling.

If you still feel the urge to send an email or a text, then you can send your new truth, in doing os you do not hurt the receiver nor send them back into limbo or anything of that sort. Instead you leave them in a good place. A place where they are free to deal with their issues objectively and however that turns out is really none of your business because some people are die hards and never forgive just as much as they never forget.

However, what you would have achieved is really big. You would have aired your negative feelings and emotions, freed your self from a self-imposed prison, and self-afflicted venom that could have destroyed you. You would have earned your freedom and above all else gained closure. You will be free. Free to embrace your future and all your hopes and dreams with nothing holding you back. You would have done the right thing. You have said yes to your feelings. You have let go. You are free indeed.

None of this may make sense at first but the results are huge, if done intentionally, your heart literally feels light and you happier, and thoughts of the past and persons in question will no longer hurt, grate or embitter.

Finally, it is always good to go through the process with an experienced coach who can guide you each step of the way so you don’t find yourself back at the same spot where you began. A coach is someone you trust, someone that walks besides you and guides you without judging you. Allow yourself the freedom to drink in life in all its fullness. Release your hate and release yourself. Life awaits the free and authentic you.

Free